Getting the best treats
Lesson 13: Consistency wins the day
Treats are essential to a puppy’s well-balanced diet, just like shoelaces, worms, and five-day-old poop. Humans give treats as rewards for good behavior—like peeing outside, coming when called, or not ratting them out when they’ve dropped the spouse’s car keys into the sewer and blame it on you.
Be wary of the human who thinks “praise” is an acceptable substitute for treats, and don’t respond too positively to it. It’s a ruse to get more work out of you at lower wages. The Fair Labor Standards Act and the Geneva Convention banned such shameless behavior. Unfortunately, many puppies are unaware of this and fall prey to these unscrupulous employers. (In a future lesson, we’ll discuss unionization.)
Now, there are tasty treats, and there are healthy treats. To each pup his own, but for me, there’s a difference between roast beef and three layers of tasteless cardboard—unless the cardboard belongs to an off-limits carton. Like Mrs. Kinstler’s wig box. In that case, “forbidden fruit,” like revenge, is a dish best served at any temperature, as long as it’s served.
Humans often hesitate to give the best treats, usually because they’re cheap and sadistic overlords.
So, how to train your human to give the best treats? Turn up your nose at the lame ones and inhale the good ones like you were stranded with Tom Hanks on a deserted island. When it’s treat time, suck in your belly to emphasize your ribcage; stomachs dragging on the floor are a dead giveaway and can only lead to the dreaded “diet.”
The main point here is consistency. Laboratory experiments have shown that humans are best taught through consistent behavior and repetition (see “Pavlov’s Humans” in Wiki-paw-dia). Turn down the offer of tri-color quinoa and pee on their foot every time, and before long, they’ll be offering something different. If the next time they offer a Baconator, gobble it down.
Soon, they’ll be fishing the car keys out of the sewer while you’re dining on sirloin tips.
Keke, the public service you offer to dogs, especially puppy dogs, is priceless. How to train your human is new to the canine community. As an old dog, my advice to you is to set your starting wage of services from your housekeepers and up your salary every time you're pleased by their performance.
Get your servants to order those special items from Amazon for you. How? Doggle, not Google, the article written by the author of "Dogs Rule." It tells how to use subliminal suggestions on those suggestible servants who live with you. Soon, you'll have all you can imagine delivered right to your door--like a pup couch, an electric car with a sidecar for a friend of your choosing, the best kibble money can buy from France (French humans understand how to treat their pups) and fitted Ray-Bans. Of course, you'll want your own monogrammed towels, bed sheets and outerwear. (Tip: don't have the servants' last name or initial on your monogrammed items--you don't want them to think they can keep you if they don't kowtow to your liking.)
Lastly, keep up the good work, Keke. I'll be watching your meteoric rise to stardom throughout planet earth and beyond.
Keke, it sounds like your humans are shaping up nicely! Keep up the good work.